I decided to keep a diary, and like me I didn’t bother to fill it in as i went through the things I will talk about here, I may not be able to fully account for all my feelings during these months, but I am sure they will return once revisited.
There are two reasons for this diary,
- To show the struggles people who are ill actually go through, to survive and get better on a broken benefits system, who’s only purpose is to save money on people who need it.
- Show that the charity, government and business infrastructure is not in place to support people who are unwell back into work like the government claims/seems to think.
It’s not just about a broken system, but how shitty treatment affects you for the rest of your life.
My personal opinion is that the government are wanting rid of people, driving them to despair and suicide. Why else would the DWP be refusing to hand over figures of how many deaths there has been since introducing “austerity measures”?
This isn’t about theories, it’s about my feelings, experiences and beliefs.
A “disabled person” does not see themselves as “disabled” in the sense that we cannot do anything.
We are unable to fully participate for health reasons, whether it is illness, circumstance or abuse (All three is a perfect storm).
Disabled people want to be at work earning a good wage like anyone else, being ill or disabled means you don’t want to work as TV shows like benefits claim, there are many reasons many people don’t want to work for a privately owned firm is that firm, doesn’t want to make changes to practice or policy.
The government impression (whether intended or not) of disabled people is that they are surpless to requirements, “we are not going to look after you anymore”.
– (maybe lowering your pensions, subsidies and wages will help ease that ‘lack’ of money you talk about).
With 300,000 people with Mental Health issues leaving a company each year, that’s a massive problem facing industry and a countries economy .
Rather than spending time and money on the changes required for staff already there and trained, companies are paying through the nose to replace those staff.
The Diary has two purposes, my thoughts as someone who has been ill for a long time, acknowledged that fact got help and is “getting better” although i don’t believe with Mental Health illnesses you ever get better, there is feel better than you did, bear in mind this is a day to day illness.
It’s not just the imbalance of the brains chemical functions that affect you, its how they are treated, if they are recognised and if not the reactions of people to any odd behavior.
I am learning (even at 42) more about my parents, than i knew as a child, and i feel that visibility of issues (especially health) are good for kids. Just don’t treat them as carers, they are not.
I have struggled for many years with different types of Mental Health issues, not just the illness but the lack of recognition and help to maintain them.
I have had to learn as much as possible about my illness as I was young during the time where mental health was ignored, it still is by some walks of society but the help is getting better (which to me is scary, 2018 we are just getting to grips with it).
As a kid it was never spoken about my grandma, she died after having depression, very quickly, this was 1974, exactly a year before I was born
I have the honour of being born a year later (to the day), a gift, unfortunately it is not always taken like that.
My grandmas death was never spoken about, and i was told not to talk to my grandfather about that. (or any other issues), he wasn’t just my grandfather, he was my godfather and my Grandma Joyce (my godmother), this led to a lot of confusion and conflict in me and ultimately no where to turn, yes i had friends and yes i love them and turn to them, as they do me, but to me its special that i could turn to someone like my Grannyfather (if you ask nice I’ll tell that story) and Grandma Joyce.
I had a very turbulent relationship with my mother, I was classed as an overactive “naughty” child. Maybe I was just being a boy?
At the age of 8, I was diagnosed with Epilepsy, I cannot remember much about that obviously, I had someone called Ann I could ask as she had adult Epilepsy, but between the ages of 8 and 14 you don’t really feel you can ask questions that are personal like that, or maybe it was just me?
I remember waking up in a chair at one point, with two worried parents and Doctor Scholes looking over me.
Looking back if i had my scruples about me I should have said something funny if not witty or sarcastic, Something like “did the goblin king not want me either?” or “I went towards the light and it led straight back here”…
I was lucky with that diagnosis, however, it would seemingly dictate the course of my life from then on, unknown to me nor anyone else.
I grew out of the fits, with the help of epilepsy medication, two in the morning, three at night. 50mg i think quite a high dosage.
(In hindsight) Then the problems started, behavioral issues, “Tantrums”, argumentative, still unable to gain proper sleep, I don’t think my mum was able to deal with that.
We were at each others throats seemingly all the time pressing each others buttons.
Our Dad worked hard for the family, long hours at the sorting office in Swindon, something I am grateful for as it meant time with him was precious, including the time when we were playing cricket with my Uncle David and I ran looking up to catch a ball, SMACK, straight into a tree. It wasn’t perfect, again not dealing with things there and then meant things lingered and frustrations boiled.
Living with someone who has diagnosed Mental Health issues is difficult, just as living as someone with mental health issues is. the two things (and possibly the only things) you need are Patience and Compassion.
One of the things i have learned is;
Need isn’t weak, It’s Need.
You need to love your self, even if it feels no one else does.
I have; PTSD (diagnosed by a Councillor but not officially so still untreated), (extreme) Attachment Disorder, (extreme) Depression and Anxiety. yay! 😀
I am still pushing to get a psychologist to officially give me something I can fight.
Luckily <sarcasm> the latter three work against each other.
Attachment disorder – The inability to form and attach in a relationship (although i have bonded with my kids and bond really well with other peoples kids… go figure?), whether this is “love”, “sexually “, ” work ” or ” Friendship ” related. Relationships encompass a large amount of our lives and support networks.
I have a saying (from De Niro in Heat i believe)
“Never get attached to something you can’t leave in 30 seconds”
(for those film buffs out there the actual quote is):
“Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.“
Apart from my kids, I have lived with this quote. cos it fits.
Ironically, the one time i ignored it, was the one time the heat came and i couldn’t resolve it.
*Depression – Cause, a multitude of things, The need to have routine, connections with people, create attachments, a reason to keep going.
Comes from extreme lack of self confidence, I would say the direct opposite to ego, narcissism and sociopaths.
Anxiety – the extreme worry of situations. (can you be extreme at something that is extreme in nature?) it’s unpredictable, uncontrollable and not nice.
The Diary is not just about the financial struggles of benefits, but the damage it is currently causing people with mental health issues and other disabilities.
This year, i am dealing with losing my job to look after me and my health (i cannot talk about that now, but will update it), but to stop the abuse i am suffering from my ex wife, and from the maternal side of my family, to get my kids (all of them if i can) back and be a dad, a proper fun loving (not struggling) dad.
But, it means people need to leave alone the messes they have caused (and are still) and the whole truth needs to be out.
*(unfinished – 27/1/2018)
**(unfinished – 30/1/2018)
*** (unfinished – 9/2/2018)